This is the loneliest time in my life. I thought that I would be okay with only having my husband as my only lifeline to humanity. I have gone into a very low dark place in my life.
I do not know how to explain it. I like to be at home by myself but I also like to have to have friends that call to say ” Hey, how are you? Wanna grab lunch today?” I really miss the community that we had in AZ. I understand that my husband works at home and that he needs to have his time to get his projects done but he is my only friend here in OK. When he tells me that I talk to him too much or that I need to leave him alone. It makes me go even lower into my darker hole.
I really need some sunshine in my little cave. I would love to fine some relief.
For the last 3 weeks we have been helping some friends of ours with moving their restaurant. When they first planned the move it would only be closed for 3 days, it ended up being closed for 20. They were having real trouble with their staff being reliable and trustworthy.
We helped move out of the old space, we ended up being there for 14 hours. We have also helped almost everyday from the time we drop off X ’til 1 or 2 in the morning. During this time I have become a professional floor stainer, tile installer, and many other things. They also allowed me to use my design skills.
Aaron and I really enjoyed being able to help our friends. They were not close friends but now that they have seen that we are here for them when they need us and all the time we got to spend together I think we have made a great lasting relationship.
Here is my question for you….would you do it? We have had many people ask us if we are getting free food for a year, coffee drinks for life, etc? I reply “we enjoy helping our friends, why would we want anything in return.”
I just recently turned 30. For most people that is the end of their youth or their party years. If you ask Xavier, I am now an adult. If I am now an adult how come I have been paying a mortgage for seven years, have medical bills up to my eye balls, and have an eight year old?
I am looking forward to seeing what I am going to find in my 30’s…perhaps they will find a way to make my nerves communicate with my brain properly. Perhaps my son will become neat and clean ( a mother can dream), or maybe I will drop my past and realize that the future can be bright. I have so much I would love to do if I am healthy enough, travel to Europe, see Uganda, meet the people that I regularly help serve in my missions work in Haiti and Mexico.
I don’t know what my 30’s hold but I can tell you one thing if they are anything like my 20’s they will not be boring.
I try not to think of what is wrong with me but lately I have found it quite funny. So I thought I would post a list; so here I go…
Chronic Epstein-Barr Syndrome
Alice in Wonderland Syndrome
Spina Bifida – Occulta
Possible Crohn’s Post Infectious IBS
Chronic Migraines (Cluster, Hormonal, Frontal Lobe)
Chronic UTIs and Kidney Infections
Loose Ligaments in the Knees and Ankles (One now requires surgery)
Incredibly sensitive skin (Allergies to common things like: Tea tree, Heavy Aloe, etc.)
These are the things that I can name, I have other little idiosyncrasies that come and go like ringing in my ears, tingling in my limbs and face but none of those have names.
So, I hope you enjoyed my little game of how many things I could name. I did!
God Made Me Sepical…if that is what you would call it. Ha!
On Thursday I had to go to an orthopedic foot surgeon because I had fallen in church about a month ago. I had been so busy that I just now had time to have it looked at. I took the MRI that Dr. Kapur (my PCP) took last week with me and told him that I have always had weak ankles. He took another X-Ray and did some tests on my ankles and was very surprised that I have never had therapy. He called my ankles and my knees “floppy”. I know! What a medical term.
So he goes on to explain that I have ripped the ligament away from the ankle with a small piece of bone. So I am going to have surgery to have that small chip removed and the ligament tighten and put back. He said after that I will have to start therapy on my ankles. He hopes that this works otherwise it back to surgery. Blah.
So yet again we have something else different with me.
Xavier on "The Beast"
On Saturday morning we took some whole bean coffee from Thousand Hills to the Buckeye Fire Department. I wanted to thank them for taking me to the hospital in October. I wasn’t grateful for being in the hospital, but I was very thankful that they were there to take me there and at least start the ball rolling in trying to figure out what is wrong with me now.
When we got to the fire house they were in return grateful for the coffee and asked if X wanted to see any of the trucks. So he wanted to see “The Beast.” James, the firefighter, let him get in the cab and start her up, play with the radio and all the buttons. Then James turned the generator on the back so X could use the hose. X was really excited that he got to water a very dry desert bush.
I received an Epson Artisan 800 photo printer from my in-laws for Christmas last year. The problem was that it wouldn’t print properly. I called Epson, and they exchanged the printer. I was yet again excited, but alas it would not print either. Yet another call to Epson and another printer. Yay!?! It came with the wrong ink cartridges.
I now have the right cartridges and my printer is printing. Who knew Christmas was in August.
Yesterday was a hard but great day. I knew that because Uncle James was in town that Xavier would want to go hiking. I wanted so badly to join my family on this adventure. So knowing that my right leg had been feeling very tight and tender, I did something that I thought I would never do….I had my first massage. She did a great job. She understood the needs of my muscles and that I have tender points. She worked for 40 minutes on my leg to release the muscle. I should have done this a long time ago.
When I got home we took a hike in the trails that are just behind our house. The views from the top of the hills are great. The first part of the trail was not a walking trial but a quad trail which made it difficult to walk up, at least for me, the three mountain goats I was with seem do fine with it. Once we were on the right hiking trails they were great. I did forget my inhaler, my bad. But James to the rescue, I could breathe again and continue.
I am so glad the I have been able to get out and enjoy the outdoors with my family again. I am looking forward the becoming the person I know I want to be and that is somewhere inside of me.
Yesterday Xavier had a school field trip to the Phoenix Zoo. I was looking forward to being out with my family but not to the pain that would come later. So I took some precautions in the morning and at lunch and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I did however come home and sleep for 12 hours and I am still feeling the effects form the miles of walking and the bike ridding that we did.
I did realize yesterday that I have miss the way Aaron and I use to be, afternoon walks and bike rides near the beach. Those were the days.
I haven’t written in a while. Some can say I have been lazy but in reality not much has changed. Last week I felt like I was finally getting a couple of “human” days. Then as I always fall prey to it, wanted to get things done. I started to get the house back to the way I love it. And now I am paying the price. My lower half of my body is feels as though it’s muscles have been put through a taffy puller. When I lay in bed at night my limbs start to feel heavy and become so hard to move. I feel sorry for Aaron, I don’t want him to feel neglected because I love him so much, for everything he is to me and what he has done for me, but when I my body feels this way I can’t stand to be touched or for him to show love to me. I hate this part because I see the pain in his eyes and I so want to show him how much I care but when it is so hard and painful to move, I am really in between a rock and a hard place.